Where Have the
Manners Gone?
by Marie-Helen Goyetche

It's Thanksgiving Day! Your turkey is in the oven and your guests will be arriving soon. You're just a little nervous about what impression your child will leave on your guests. Will she say please and thank you? Will napkins be used rather than shirtsleeves? Will you be put in an embarrassing situation …in many embarrassing situations? Maybe you should warn your child?

Talking to her is great, but at this point it just might be too late -- too late for your dinner, but not too late for life.

Defining Manners
What exactly are manners? If you sat down and asked your child about the meaning of manners, you probably wouldn't understand his explanation. Having manners is a big concept for preschoolers to understand. When asked, here are some answers from preschool children:

"Uh...ask my mommy -- she will tell you," says 3-year-old Laurie.

"Manners…means... the magic words," says 4-year-old Alexandra. "My mom always says 'what's the magic word?'"

"…is not to burp when I eat," says 5-year-old Emilien.

Even as children are going from the preschool stage into the school-age stage, it's not an overnight discovery to know and understand what manners are.

"To be good and nice and eat well," says 6-year-old Michael. This answer came after two shoulder shrugs.

The definition of manners is to act in a sociable and acceptable way. It's not just about saying "please" and "thank you." It's a whole way of conduct. You can't expect your child to know and behave in a proper manner at all times -- otherwise our children would be perfect!

How You Begin
It might be a good idea to start with you and your spouse discussing what manners you want to instill in your child. Both of you were brought up differently; what may seem essential to one might be frivolous to the other. During your discussions, come to terms with which ones you agree with and compromise on those you don't. The next step is to discuss your expectations with your child.

"In the worst scenarios, when parents don't agree on certain aspects, children can deal with different expectations from each parent," says Dr. Maurice Elias, co-author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting. "The children will play off each parent just like they do if the parents don't agree on other subjects. They'll be able to understand that with Mom it's one way, and with Dad it's another."

Don't be afraid to discuss these behaviors and the guidelines that you expect your child to follow. It doesn't mean that your child will purposely misbehave if you have discussed certain examples beforehand. Your child might test you to see what you'll do. If you are consistent with your demands and consequences, your child will quickly understand what you will and won't tolerate.

"Parents should parent by choice rather than by chance," says Dr. Elias. "They have to talk to their children about what's not going right and about what's expected from them. Just like with any other rule established within the household, not following manners means no compliance. Therefore you should treat it like any other broken rule by your disciplining system already established in the house."

Tell them why manners are important to you. Use daily examples and ask your child to think if they are good manners or bad manners. By getting your child to think them out, your child will form their own conclusions of why and how people felt when placed in certain situations. For example: How do you think Mary felt when Sam wiped his mouth on the tablecloth? How do you think that old lady felt when you held the door open for her? Do you think Dan will want to talk to Paul again if Paul always laughs at him? Why do you think Paul is always laughing?

Another great example is to make use of the television. Use your child's TV time to analyze what he sees. Use the situations to get your child to think about how it could have been done differently. Whose feelings were hurt? Why? How can we mend these situations? How can we prevent them? Is this acceptable?

"Unfortunately manners, just like tolerance, has changed on television and it has influenced our children to be more disrespectful and less tolerant," says Dr. Elias. "Many people believe that because it's on TV -- it's acceptable. Develop your child's conscience by asking questions and this will develop their sense of empathy."

The best way to teach children about manners is to be their role model. Your child is always watching you; how you act, how you talk, how you eat, how you get mad. You're under constant supervision. If you want your child to be polite and you're polite, the length of your discussion will have shortened. This is exactly the same as the children's expression "monkey see, monkey do." You'll have an easier time teaching something you believe in if you act upon it, too.

"Remember that your child is in a teaching situation," says Dr. Elias. "Don't get highly angry at your child when your child acted in a way that he/she may have known better. Let your child develop and master this new skill. Rather than getting upset, be patient and show your child new ways to act when a similar situation happens."

Having manners is just as important within a household or a society. Set rules for what's important and how you and your spouse want your child to act and don't forget to tell your child. Discuss various situations to get your child to think about others and to find good answers from within.

Model and be the best example for your child. Be patient and help your child understand manners rather than dictate a bunch of rules they have to memorize without understanding them. And next year, you won't have to worry about your Thanksgiving Day dinner!

About the Author:
Marie-Helen Goyetche is an iParenting contributing writer

Want to read more? Check out:

Thanksgiving Dinner: Don't Be That Frantic Woman In The Kitchen This Year!

Just Say No to "No": Six Strategies to Get Your Toddler to Do What You Want (Without Using the N-word)

Do You Know Your Parenting Style?

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